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What Are We Doing Here?

Hey, what’s up, it’s Mechanic M-

It’s TTRPG T -

Fuck it, it’s Whatever I Want Wednesday.  Even if I am starting to draft this on Tuesday.

My thoughts today are all about what’s in the subject line.  I’m at a peculiar place in my artistic/craft space, maybe I have been for a long while, but it’s crystallizing for me lately as a confluence of a number of factors: chief among them, the pretty damn dire state of my theatre company, and the Chicago storefront theatre scene it belongs to.  Weirdly, this low point in my chief artistic practice coincides with unexpected success at my dayjob, and some recent wins on the writing side: I’ll be performing a piece for a sold-out storytelling podcast recording next week, and I’m getting some paid writing work for a supplement of a TTRPG I admire - my second time being able to say that.

But beyond individual bright spots, I’m trying to look at the big picture: What’s all this for? What am I working towards? Have I been honest with myself and others about the answers to those questions? Because I think that although I’ve said my writing (both plays and games) has been a hobby-level pursuit, a lot of my plans - particularly the ones I’ve had a hard time following through on - have been built around higher ambitions, and entail a kind of self-driving work that would have others dependent on me; and that kind of work has been burning me right the fuck out over the last five years.

I've been saying that I don't want to commit the energy and hustle to building relationships with publishers and trying to get my work sold - but the way I think about my work still focuses on publication, just with, I guess, me doing it all myself?

Part of what I’m realizing is that while my commitment to theatre taught me a lot about how I wanted to approach my other creative pursuits, and I tempered my expectations for them to a degree, I still have all of these ideas programmed into me of what constitutes a failure and what is worthwhile and all this self-exploiting toxic grindy stuff.

What am I talking about, in tangible, relatable terms? I’m starting to resent other people’s successes.  Even those of creatives I admire.  Everything feels like an affront, or a reminder of my own inability to cross the the finish line, or frankly a sign of how old I’ve gotten.

This could be a big realization shift for me… or, as I also know about myself, it could be just the combined weight of this particular moment, where I have accumulated months of SAD, along with accumulated years of theatre admin failures.  Maybe this is a funk I can regenerate and bounce back from, maybe this will change how I view creating.  For the time being though, I want to think - smaller.  More manageable milestones.  Less thinking about the final product.  Less worry about who my creations are for.  And just taking work on projects other people head up - that feels sustainable, that I can do.

Not a very cheery or inspiring post, I know, but honestly much more coherent and less maudlin than I expected.  Just wanted to get these thoughts organized and out from ping-ponging in my brain.  Til next time!

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